


We Keep Behind Closed Doors

by crygiankie_trash



Series: Fields of Gold [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: F/F, ITS FUCKING ANGSTY OKAY AND IT HURTS, background crygi, reminder this is set in the 50's so it's a very old fashioned point of view, slight mention of conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:48:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29082660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crygiankie_trash/pseuds/crygiankie_trash
Summary: "You and I both have to hide, on the outside. Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine" // Jan’s POV // The Second Installment of Fields of Gold
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: Fields of Gold [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133720
Comments: 14
Kudos: 23





	We Keep Behind Closed Doors

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so apparently Fields of Gold was angsty af, and also I kept telling Jan from that story that she could choke, so now I've got to write it from her POV. The song used for it was Secret Love Song Pt. II from Little Mix, so as usual for the full sensory experience? Listen to the song while reading. 
> 
> Warning that it is set in the 1950's so there are mentions of homophobia, conversion therapy, etc. and things that would be normal for that time. I don't support these views in anyway (literally bc i'm gay as fuck) but if religious themes, etc.. bother you? Don't read.

Jackie had been a constant in Jan’s life from the beginning, the minute she’d stepped into kindergarten clinging to Alexis’ hand. Her carefully starched and ironed dress pristine, the ever present white bow in her hair. Jan had scanned the room before settling on a small girl with dark curls who looked as nervous as Jan felt. “Don’t be scared Jannie, you’re gonna be great. Now go be my best girl” her Dad’s encouraging words ring in her ears and she bounces over to the girl before introducing herself with ‘HI I’M JAN!’ and the friendship was sealed over a smile and the exchanging of a crayon.

She chatters on the way home, locked into her carseat about her day, that she got a gold star on her chart for singing so well, and Jackie this, and Jackie that. Something that never changed as they got older. ‘Jackie this’ and ‘Jackie that’. Jackie could do no wrong in Jan’s eyes, releasing a warm calm energy that Jan was just happy to bask in. If Jan was the sun all golden rays and beaming in all directions? Jackie was the moon; peaceful and tranquil with a magnetic pull to it, and much like the tide at the beach? Jan allowed herself to be swept along.

The concept of a crush wasn’t a new one, Jan discovered young when boys chased the girls around the playground trying to kiss them, or when they knocked her over. “He just likes you honey. He’s got a crush on you. That’s what boys do” Alexis explains as they drive home from school before Jan questions what a crush is. Her mom pauses for a second clearly looking for the right words. “It means they like,  _ like _ you honey. Like how Daddy likes Mommy’ before Jan pauses shifting in the uncomfortable plastic of the constraining carseat. “.... Like how you and Daddy dance in the kitchen? And you always make Daddy’s favourite foods to keep him happy, and he buys you the nice perfume from Heidi the Avon Lady, and he says that we’re his favourite girls?’ before Alexis gives a fond smile to her. “Exactly that Jannie” before Jan raises her legs slightly un-sticking them from the car seat. 

“Then I wanna marry Jackie cause she’s my favourite” Jan exclaims cheerfully before realising a thick uncomfortable silence has settled in the car and peering over at Alexis. “Momma? Did I say something bad?” her voice is quiet, realising the severity of the situation before Alexis finally speaks, her tone sterner than Jan had ever heard it. “No Janetta. You don’t marry Jackie. Girls do not marry girls. It’s an abomination against God, and you don’t want to go to hell do you baby? You’re a good girl. And good girls marry good boys and have babies. Jackie is your friend. Your best friend. Nothing more. Girls. Don’t. Marry. Girls” her voice leaves no room for argument, any warmth in her tone gone. Jan nods meekly before looking out the window on her way home not wanting to say another word and set her off.

_ We keep behind closed doors _ _  
_ _ Every time I see you I die a little more _ _  
_ _ Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls _ _  
_ _ It'll never be enough _

Alexis’ words continually ring through Jan’s head on a loop, that what she feels for Jackie is pure friendship. That all their interactions are simple, that the shivers Jan feels when Jackie helps her button up the dresses her mother makes her wear when her fingers brush at bare skin is due to the room temperature, that the swooping in her stomach whenever Jackie’s hand brushes hers doesn’t exist. That she could spent a lifetime getting lost in the deep chocolate of Jackie’s eyes and still find something new in there is normal friendship and admiration. “You’re a good girl” the words echo around her head, chasing each other on a seemingly endless loop. “Girls don’t marry girls”, she gets copies of Lagoona’s Mom’s Mills and Boon novels that she sneaks into the house and reads by moonlight. There’s never any girls with girls. Just boys. And her mind takes her back to the moments with Jackie where they’re both reached for something at the same time, or turned to face each other. Noses pressing together. And it makes her feel more than anything written in the pages of the books. But she’s a good girl. And she keeps reading them. Wishing that her fantasies of dark curls and tanned skin with plump lips will be replaced by that of swooning men with hulking muscles and chiselled jawlines.    
  


_ It's obvious you're meant for me, Every piece of you it just fits perfectly _ _  
_ _ Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep _ .

They were good girls. Smart ones. Getting good grades. Doing extracurriculars. Often opting to stay in rather than go to the parties or gatherings that happened. “A cesspool of sin waiting to happen” Alexis would say while flipping through the latest Avon catalogue, a half drunk glass of chardonnay in front of her. So the girls would stay in playing monopoly, or doing quizzes in the magazines, baking cookies, or helping Alexis’ with folding and printing the hymn books for church.

One freedom that was offered to her? Was her walks with Jackie. Alexis relented at long last allowing the girls to walk home through the barley fields, deeming that they were more than responsible enough. Jan treds along the worn path, dust drifting onto her shoes and she huffs softly knowing she’ll have to clean them when they get home. The sun pelts down on them, making Jan’s ponytail stick to her neck and and her body sweating under the linen dress and she wishes not for the first time that she could get away with being like Crystal Methyd; the girl from her art class who turned up in shorts of all things the other day. Her mind is distracted by an event earlier when Alexander had caught her by her locker. He was tall, blonde, charming and very much the ‘All American Boy’ image that was peddled around the school. But all Jan could focus on? Was the sheen of sweat above his brow, the smell of teenage boy and gym socks and the annoying way he smacked his gum as he leant into her space and asked her to the drive-in on the weekend. She’d felt herself tense up before stuttering out a “I-I’ll have to ask my Mom. I think we might have plans but I’ll let you know!” before Alexander pleased with her answer staunters down the hallway.

“Boys are so gross Jacks” she whines before stumbling unaware into a small hole in the ground giving a soft ‘eep!’ of surprise as Jackie’s arms lock around her, preventing her from falling to the ground. “I think if you were a boy Jacks, I’d like you just as much’ and she wishes that Jackie could have been a boy. That if she was? Everything would be a lot more simpler. _“Girls. Don’t. Marry. Girls”_ the voice echoes through her head as she bids Jackie goodbye and heads through the front door finding Alexis sitting at the table with some of the ladies from the church group. “You’ve got such a pretty daughter Alexis. I heard my Alex is quite fond of your Jannie”, she can hear the voice follow her up the stairs, and she allows herself to fall ungracefully on her bed, eyes filling with tears. _“You’re a good girl Jannie”_ echoes through her head and she knows she is. 

  
_ I wish that it could be like that _ _  
_ _ Why can't we be like that? _ _  
_ _ Cause I'm yours _

They were 16 when the floodgates opened. Jan had made a break for the bathroom during geography, and when she’d opened the door, there they were. Crystal Methyd and Gigi Goode. Kissing. Her brain sweeps over them, the soft way Gigi’s pale hands caress Crystal’s tanned cheeks, the soft eyes that Crystal gives Gigi before startling apart. “I….I..” Jan’s voice fails her as the door shuts behind her, half expecting both of them to beg, plead, insist that it wasn’t what it looked like. But the excuses never come. “I love her” Crystal’s voice is confident, giving a secret smile to Gigi. “I love her too” Gigi’s own voice is quiet, but no less sure and Jan aches, her heart sinking to her feet. “You can’t get married. God said you can’t” her voice is quiet, timid and she’s surprised to see both girls looking at her with sadness as opposed to the anger she'd expected. 

Gigi’s hand brushes at Jan’s arm and she pulls away like she’s been burnt. “We’re getting out of here Jan. We’re going to San Francisco. There’s a street with rainbows, and where we can be who we want. Crystal’s Mom already said yes. There’s a lot more in the world than just this town, you deserve to experience that too” before the girls exit the bathroom leaving Jan standing there staring at the linoleum under her feet before she goes back to class completely forgetting about using the restroom and refusing to think the event that transpired in there until she’s walking through the barley fields with Jackie. She pauses, settling her bag down before gesturing for Jackie to follow her through the stalks, something they only do when there’s business of great secrecy and settling into the ground on a pile of crushed stalks. Her knees draw up to her chest, not worrying about being proper or ladylike asking the burning question that’s been stuck in her mind “... Do you think kissing a girl is different to kissing a boy? I kissed Alexander after the football game, but it wasn’t that great. He tasted like a hotdog but not a nice hotdog..” 

Her head turns just in time to see Jackie visibly stiffen, her jaw set in stone, the dark of her eyes smouldering with barely repressed jealousy as she turns to her. They inhale, exhale in rhythm with each other and somehow in that time their lips meet in the middle, and it is _ everything. _ Her hands fist into dark curls as Jackie’s hand skims down her waist, resting in the curve of her hip, their lips fusing together seamlessly until oxygen becomes an issue and they part, before crashing together over and over again. The field around them glows golden and they hurry home. Jan making an excuse that she had to stay back because she wanted to suggest some songs for choir, and Alexis gives a pleased hum, pressing a kiss to her forehead before telling her to wash up for dinner.  _ “You’re a good girl. Good girls don’t go to Hell’ _ the words echo around her head, a cacophony of self loathing and her eyes well with tears as she falls to her knees, praying for a miracle. “Don’t make me like this. Please God, don’t make me like this”

She heads back downstairs before Alexis enquires about her red eyes and she gives a high pitched giggle and ‘Sorry Momma, I got some soap in my eye” before her Dad reaches for her hand. “You’re still pretty Jannie, now why don’t you say Grace tonight hmmm?” and she bows her head and obeys. Like a good girl. 

_ When you're with him, do you call his name _ _  
_ _ Like you do when you're with me? _ _  
_ _ Does it feel the same? _

Moments with Jackie fly by. Longer walks, sleepovers together, kissing in the golden haze of the barley fields. With each brush of Jackie’s lips? Jan’s brain goes blissfully blank, only being able to focus on the girl in front of her. If Jackie was a Goddess? Then Jan would happily spend every hour on her knees praying at her shrine. She loves the way Jackie’s head looks between her thighs, she becomes adept at muffling her noises with a pillow. She learns what Jackie likes and how she likes it. Her tongue laps at the arousal that makes her fingers glisten under the moonlight. But the minute they catch their breath and come back down from the dizzying high? Jan’s eyes fill with tears and she’s on the end of the bed, fingers clutching at her rosary with freshly washed hands with her head bowed as she prays over and over again, as Jackie looks at her with tear filled and hurt eyes, clutching the sheet around her like a shield.   
  


_ Would you leave if I was ready to settle down _ _  
_ _ Or would you play it safe and stay? _ _  
_ _ Girl you know this, we got a love that is hopeless _   
  
To the outside world? Jan and Alexander are the perfect couple. Two striking blondes, and as much as she hates to admit it? Alexander is perfect. Handsome in a typical way, a football player, he and his family sit with the Mantione’s every Sunday for the church service. He opens doors for not only Jan, but his mother and Alexis as well. And Jan knows she should be happy. Thrilled even, but all she can feel is the rock in the pit of her stomach that won’t go away. “I couldn’t be happier Momma’ the words are whispered one night as she kneels on the ground at her Mothers feet as Alexis brushes at her long hair, slowly braiding the strands over each other. “You’re a good girl Jannie” Alexis’ words are quiet before she presses a kiss to Jan’s forehead. “Now go to bed, we’ve got a big day coming up tomorrow. It’s the church picnic” before Jan nods dutifully and heads to her room before sneaking out half an hour later and climbing through Jackie’s window and into her waiting arms, and she wishes not for the first time that a kiss from Alexander would bring her as much pleasure as just a kiss on her shoulder does from Jackie. She loves Jackie by moonlight, and the hazy gold of the barley fields, and she’s selfish. So selfish. But she needs her. Loves her even.  _ “Girls. Don’t. Marry. Girls” _ and once again? Her Catholic guilt gets the better of her and she runs back to her house in the dead of night, white nightgown fluttering around her knees like some kind of fallen angel.    
  


_ Why can't you hold me in the street? _ _  
_ _ Why can't I kiss you on the dancefloor? _ _  
_ _ I wish that it could be like that _ _  
_ _ Why can't we be like that? _ _  
_ _ Cause I'm yours _

Crystal and Gigi did it, just like they said they would and Jan wishes she could say she was surprised. Crystal’s mother isn’t fazed by the whispers and stares and instead goes about her daily life before shrugging. “She’s my daughter. Nothing changes that. She knows if she wants to come home there’s a bed waiting and a fridge full of food”, Gigi’s parents aren’t as brazen. Karen spends hours at the Mantione’s table lamenting into a glass of wine. “I would have sent her away to be cured if I had known, she never let me know that the Devil was taking over her, I couldn’t save my baby” and Alexis murmurs in sympathy. “It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes God just sends us these trials. It’s not your fault” before Karen wipes her eyes with a tissue. “You’re so lucky Alexis. I just wish my Genevieve was more like your Janetta” and Jan’s heart breaks, any hope for any kind of future with Jackie ruined. She can’t destroy her mother like that. She can’t cement her place in hell. 

_ “I love you Janetta Mantione, always will”  _ Jackie whispers the words into the golden air on one Tuesday as they lie entwined in their golden nest. “ ...Don’t say it Jacks. Please don’t say that” she finds herself begging as her heart splits into two jagged pieces, piercing her lungs and making it hard to breathe. Though her fingers brush at Jackie’s cheeks, committing her features to memory knowing that it will be one of the last times they’ll be able to do this. Her blood rushes to her ears, heartbeat hammering against her ribs blocking out Jackie’s every other word. “We could do it” resonates with her and for a brief second? Jan allows herself to dream. Of large mugs brimming with herbal tea and dark curls bent over a kettle. Mornings full of laughter. The smell of lavender fabric softener on sheets and a fluffy cat that sits on the windowsill before shaking her head and standing up, brushing off the dust from her dress. “Come on Jacks, it’s getting late. I need to get home”

_ I don’t wanna live love this way.  _ _  
_ _ I don’t wanna hide us away. _ _  
_ _ I wonder if that ever will change _ _  
_ _ I’m living for that day, someday _

Alexander proposes the day after they graduate. A small diamond ring promising that one day he’ll get her a bigger one, the one she deserves. And she says yes. Jumps up and down exclaiming as if it’s the best offer she’s gotten. Alexis cries, so does Alexander’s mother. Her Dad beams at her with pride and shakes Alexander’s hand joking that they better make it a long engagement so he can afford the wedding she deserves. She’s surrounded by a tornado of emotions and she can’t help but wonder when it will spit her out and leave her broken on the floor. Glasses chink together, her own filled with a watered down white wine and like most nights before? Jan kneels on the floor in front of her mother as Alexis runs the brush through her hair. “I’m proud of you honey” the words are quiet. “You’re gonna make a beautiful bride” and Jan nods not trusting her voice to break before Alexis secures the bottom of her braid with the elastic. “Go clean your teeth and say your prayers before bed baby. We’ve got a lot to do now” and she nods running upstairs before sneaking out in the dead of the night. 

She clamours through Jackie’s window and goes to slide between the familiar sheets before Jackie rolls over, her face tearstained and picks up Jan’s hand. The one with the ring on it and gives a small broken sob. “Mom was talking to Alexander’s Mom… I hoped it wasn’t real. I hoped.. It wasn’t” her voice cracks. “You’ve fucking ruined me for anyone else. I hope you’re happy Jan. I hope he makes you happy. I hope you enjoy living a shitty existence with a man you don’t love. I hope it was worth it” the fire in Jackie’s eyes dies down, replaced with a look of sadness and resignation that chills her to the bone. “I would have done anything for you. You broke my heart Jan” her arms wrap around her tightly. “Just go home. I don’t even want to look at you” and Jan’s own heart breaks, tears coursing down both their faces as they stare at each other for what feels like an eternity before like so many nights before, she runs back to her house under the streetlights, tears dampening her pillow, the small diamond glinting in the moonlight as if it was taunting her, a reminder of her life sentence. 

_ Why can't I say that I'm in love? _

_ I wanna shout it from the rooftops _

_ I wish that it could be like that _

_ Why can't we be like that? _

  
Jackie leaves town, going to New York. She comes by the house to say goodbye to Jan’s parents when Jan isn’t there claiming that she’d already said her goodbyes but just wanted to thank them for everything through the years. Jan gets Jackie’s address from her mother and mails her a wedding invitation at Alexis’ behest. Her fingers trembling on embossed ivory paper.  _ “I’m sorry. I’m sorry”  _ she thinks as she seals the envelope with the wax seal though she’s not surprised when Jackie doesn’t show, her mother claiming that Jackie had exams on the Monday and couldn’t possibly leave, though Alexis laments the fact Jackie isn’t part of the Bridal party since ‘You’ve been friends for so long. I hoped she’d be able to make an appearance” but Jan just gives a tight smile before distracting her with some roses for the bouquet as the day ticks closer. 

The day of the wedding, she cries. Hard, gut wrenching sobs before her makeup is done, her hands and legs shake as she slips into the undergarments laid out in the spare bedroom, and she looks out the window. She wishes that Jackie would come in like some kind of knight from a fairytale, claiming she loves her, and that she’ll be whisked away. But it’s not a fairytale. And she knows she lost her chance with Jackie the minute that ring was slid onto her finger, and even if Jackie did come at the last minute? Jan’s not strong enough to go with her. “ _ Good girls marry good boys and have babies _ ” the words keep echoing through her head. 

The tremble in her hands is hidden by the bouquet as her father walks her down the aisle and to anyone looking from the outside? She’s the epitome of a blushing bride. That the tears coursing down her cheeks are ones of happiness. The way her voice cracks over her vows is because of nerves and excitement. Whereas inside? She feels broken, empty and she stares into Alexander’s blue eyes wishing they were dark ones with long lashes and glinting with mischief; And when that ring is slid onto her finger? It feels like a pair of iron shackles and she wants to cry, scream, and vomit at the same time. 

_ “You’re a good girl” _ Alexis’ voice echoes through her head and she forces a smile, her hand slipping into Alexander’s as they make their way out of the church in a flurry of rice and confetti; dreading the wedding night when his sweaty form looms over her, thrusting into her in an inexperienced way that makes her feel dirty, gross, and grunting loudly as he spills into her. Her eyes fill with tears that she claims are just from ‘apparently it hurts the first time’ and not over the fact she’d give anything for Jackie’s gentle fingers and talented tongue coaxing her orgasms out of her, the breathy moans and the way she’d be nothing short of ethereal as her orgasms rippled out of her before pulling Jan up in a passionate kiss, tasting themselves on each others tongues.    
  
_ Cause I'm yours _   
  


She’s still walking through the barley fields, following the well worn track back to her house, though this time? Her hands are occupied with two children before grudgingly allowing them to run ahead with the promise that when she calls out to stop, that they come running back, when she sees her out of the corner of her vision and her heart stops. 

  
Jackie is taller than she remembers, the previous curly bob longer and now teased into a beehive ponytail, with tanned skin and wearing a minidress in an array of pastel colours. She’s beautiful. Confident. And Jan’s heart thuds against her ribs, the beat almost painful in its insistence like it could jump out of her chest if given the chance. The halves of her heart that she’d somehow roughly hewn back together through the years splitting apart once more.  _ “I love you Janetta Mantione, always will” _ the words whisper through the air, a flashback from one of their many afternoons in the same field, her eyes flit to Jackie once, twice. Taking her in before turning away and calling out. “Caroline, Robert! Come back here!” and taking their small hands in her own and walking back up the path not daring looking back.  _ “Girls. Don’t. Marry. Girls”  _ Alexis’ voice rings through her head with each step she takes away from Jackie. She’s done the right thing, she knows she has. She’s a good girl. Always has been. 

**Author's Note:**

> Look, it hurts like hell and I'm sad. Let me wallow in the abyss. I'm sorry.


End file.
